


Panic pills

by Freepoetynightmare



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders-centric, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Memory Loss, Multi, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Pre-Episode: Accepting Anxiety, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Touch-Starved Anxiety | Virgil Sanders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:08:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 7,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27742756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freepoetynightmare/pseuds/Freepoetynightmare
Summary: Before the events of accepting anxiety, Thomas tries taking anti-anxiety medicine to solve the problem. It works in an unexpected way.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil/Creativity | Roman/Logic | Logan/Morality | Patton
Comments: 52
Kudos: 167





	1. Drugs

**Author's Note:**

> This is not to be taken as Anti-medication. I am a firm believer in taking meds if you need them. However taking drugs when they are not needed can do more harm than good. Also I wanted Virgil angst. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are awesome.

Virgil felt...off. He wasn't as on edge as normal. He was relaxed and he hadn't even need to mess with Thomas to do it. He was also slightly off balance. Like the ground swayed a little when he stood up. 

Ok, he was just about to show up and ask what the heck was going on when he was summoned. He blinked a couple times to clear his doubled vision as he took in Logan standing next to him.

"Anxiety. How are you feeling?" He asked.

He looked around at everyone staring at him. Roman was looking at him curiously. Patton was concerned. Thomas was....relaxed. waaaay to relaxed for him being there.

"What did you do?" He asked trying and failing to make himself panic.

"Thomas has been taken anxiety medication." Patton said. 

Again he should have felt something about that. How they were trying to weaken and get rid of him. But....he couldn't. He felt....good. better than he had in a long time.

"If it works it works." He said with a shrug.

Roman sputtered,"That's it? No vague and creepy warning? No insults or... Or I don't know!" 

Virgil shrugged again before swaying a little as the movement made him dizzy. "I mean if I was going to have to go out." He muttered.

"Go out?" Logan asked.

"You are out? Like not in my head." Thomas said.

Virgil found he didn't have as much control over his ability to lie as usual. "No I meant... Nevermind." He was starting to feel anxious again.

Thomas frowned, "Hey buddy. Come on you tell us."

"You plan on leaving?" Logan asked.

Patton looked at him shocked,"No." 

"Finally." Roman said.

Virgil didn't want to talk about this. He wanted to go hide in his room and never come out. "I...I was going to...I am going to...so you guys don't have..." Why was to do hard to talk? Why was the ground rising.

Logan caught him as he fell over. Oh.

"What's wrong with him?" Patton asked.

"I think Thomas is on too high of a dose." Logan said.

Roman and Thomas looked shocked and a bit guilty. "Let's move him to the couch."

Virgil was set down on the couch the room spinning. Everything was unfocused and he couldn't tell who was standing over him. Normally he would be freaking out at that. Instead he giggled.

"Is he..."

"That is even creepier then I thought it would be." Roman said as Virgil kept giggling.

"You're killing me." Virgil said before bursting out laughing. It was so damn funny. He was going to be the one to kill himself. Ducking out. Instead Thomas went ahead and did it for him.

"You were going to do what?" Patton yelled. Virgil realized that he had said all of that out loud.

He managed to stop laughing for a second to take in Thomas's horrified face and Roman's shock before snorting and laughing again.

\---

It took a couple hours for Virgil to calm down enough so that they could talk to him without him babbling nonsense and laughing. Though he still occasionally giggled.

"You can't kill yourself." Patton said.

"Yes you are crucial part of Thomas." Logan said.

"Oh please..you've all wanted me gone since I first showed up. Don't act like you care now." Virgil snapped.

He felt awful, physically and mentally. He hadn't wanted them to find out till after the fact. Till after he was gone and they could laugh about it and move on.

That was how it was suppose to work. Now they were going to try and stop him just because they felt they had too. Not because they wanted too.

"Well... It can't be that bad if he-" Roman was cut off by Thomas's glare. 

"Even if I don't like Anxiety there are other ways to fix this." Thomas said.

"So you drugged me?" Virgil said finally feeling clear headed enough to be mad about it.

"Well medical intervention is the best choice. We understand if you don't like it." Logan said.

"Of course I don't like it!" Virgil yelled.

"We still will continue to treat...well...you." Logan said.

Because they want to get rid of you. That always hurt so he hurt them back. Now they were getting rid of him. He didn't even get to do it himself.

"Can I leave now?" He asked his voice brittle.

There were shared looks of concern. "Due to your...comments earlier. One of us will be with you untill you are no longer a danger to yourself." 

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Virgil yelled. 

"Anx-" 

"No! Are you serious right now? You want to kill me and you won't let me just get it over with? You have to torture me with drugs first?" He yelled.

"We don't want to hurt you!" Patton said on the verge of tears.

Virgil scoffed. "Maybe you might not want too."

"We don't mean to cause you harm." Logan said.

"I don't want you gone just...more manageable." Thomas said reaching and putting a hand on Virgil's shoulder. 

Virgil jerked away from the touch. "Oh screw you!" His voice shook. 

"We don't want to hurt you." Thomas promised.

Virgil wished he could believe him.


	2. Food.

Logan was the first to watch him and after a few hours it was time for supper. Since they didn't want to risk Virgil getting too overwhelmed by too many people watching him eat, patton brought in two plates of food for them then left.

Logan expected anxiety to be shy about eating in front of someone but he did expect him to eat. When anxiety ignored his call for food he got up and set the plate down on the floor in front of where he was sitting. (He claimed he preferred it to a chair.)

Anxiety peeked up at the movement and then stared at the plate of food in confusion. "What is this?"

"Supper. Patton brought it in." Logan explained. Perhaps Anxiety was confused at where he got it from as he clearly didn't store food in his room.

"This is...food?" Virgil said half reaching for it before taking his hand back.

"I did not drug it if that is what you are concerned about." Logan said.

Anxiety shifted away further into the corner. "I don't need to eat."

Logan frowned at that. It had been hours since he could have possibly eaten. "When was the last time you ate?" Logan asked ready to make an argument about the benefits of eating at the same time each day.

He did not expect Anxiety's response of. "Never? Why would I eat? We don't have too?"

Logan stated at him stunned. "You've never eaten?" He asked slowly.

Anxiety shook his head. "Like I said we don't have to right? I meant I've survived just fine without it for this long."

"That is extremely unhealthy! We do need to eat to maintain proper energy levels. Not doing so risks being unable to complete our functions." Logan said.

Anxiety looked at him oddly. "You want me to get stronger?" 

"I want you to not stave yourself." Logan said firmly as he pushed the plate closer to Anxiety.

Anxiety slowly picked up the fork. He ate slowly and only ate a third of what was on the plate but he looked better for it. Less pale and he didn't randomly twitch as Logan had blamed that on just nerves before. 

He had always assumed that Anxiety didn't like to eat around others. That he was too nervous or just preferred to be alone. It seemed that wasn't the case at all and the reality that he wasn't eating AT ALL was worse than anything Logan could have come up with.

He pushed aside the work he was in the middle of doing and make a list of things he would need to do to get Anxiety on a diet that would maximize his well being.

He may have also added a list of foods that he personally enjoyed that he wanted him to try.


	3. Out of touch.

Patton had taken a nap so he could take the night shift. Making sure Anxiety didn't sneak away while he slept. It broke his heart that he had to do this. That they had pushed Anxiety this far. He had tried so hard to include him. Had he not done enough? 

The thought was so upsetting that as soon as Anxiety stepped into the room Patton hugged him. He felt Anxiety freeze and tense up. Logan watched concerned by this reaction.

Patton pulled back ready to apologise when he saw Anxiety had watery eyes and was very clearly trying to hide it. "Are you ok?" 

Anxiety didn't answer, instead he just walked over to the corner and curled up in the floor. Logan sighed. "I suppose touch is also something he has been missing.". 

"What do you mean?" Patton asked.

Logan explained the food situation and what he thought about Anxiety's reaction to touch. Patton blinked back tears himself. "Poor kiddo." It made sense. When was the last time that anyone of them had hugged him or so much as touched him? Patton frowned as he couldn't really remember a time.

"We need to fix that." Patton said firmly. Logan grabbed his shoulder to stop him from just going over and cuddling Anxiety.

"We need to go slow so as to not overwhelm him." Logan warned.

"But....hugs."

Logan looked at him sternly and he sighed.

After Logan left Patton sat down close to Anxiety and decided that maybe he would be willing to talk?

"I know you are upset. But we are trying to-"

"Do what's best for Thomas. I know." Anxiety said weakly. He gave Patton a weak smile. Patton beamed back.

"Right...we shouldn't have kept it from you but Logan was afraid you wouldn't be honest with us about the effects." Patton said.

"You told me anyway." Anxiety said. Patton looked sheepish at that. Anxiety smiled more. "Thank you."

"I didn't want to treat you like a... science....thing." Patton said.

Anxiety blinked new tears from his eyes then scowled. He looked off to the side upset. "Hey. You can talk to me."

"I shouldn't be getting this upset." Anxiety said.

"You shouldn't be upset about having feelings kiddo." Patton said firmly. "You're option matters and we didn't even ask for it. That must hurt."

"Like I care." Anxiety said but it didn't pack it's normal bite. 

Patton paused before asking, "Can I give you a hug?"

"Are you sure you want to?" Anxiety looked.... Hopeful. That hurt to see.

Patton nodded and opened his arms, letting Anxiety move to him. Anxiety moved slowly watching Patton's face for something. Rejection? Patton made sure to look as friendly as possible so as to not scary him off.

Anxiety made the hug quick before darting back to his corner but smiled at Patton after. "Thanks....."

"Anytime." Patton promised.


	4. Bonding

Anxiety had stayed up all night talking with Patton and ended up getting two more hugs each one longer than the previous one. The last one lasted an entire five seconds before Anxiety pulled away and apologized for it. Patton assured him that it was fine. 

By the time Roman showed up for his shift Anxiety was exhausted and yawning often. "Get some sleep today." Patton said ready to sleep himself.

"Like I'd sleep around Princy." Anxiety said but there was no punch behind his words. 

"Logan has informed me that we need to get you breakfast before you get some sleep." Roman said leading him instead of to his room, to the kitchen. Anxiety hesitated in the doorway.

"Well? Sit down at the table. I'll cook." Roman said.

"R...right." Anxiety slowly stepped into the kitchen before walking over and sitting on the table.

"I meant one of the chairs." Roman said.

"Fight me..." Anxiety yawned. "Then." 

Roman couldn't be angry as he watched Anxiety rest his head on his fist and let his eyes close. He looked...peaceful. Thomas was going to take a reduced dose today and hopefully it would be better than yesterday.

Roman still felt guilty that it made Anxiety collapse. He had fought so hard for them to do it without telling him and in the end it had hurt him and shattered whatever trust they had with each other.

"Dude I don't know how to cook but I'm pretty sure it's not suppose to smoke." Anxiety said snapping Roman out of his thoughts.

Well he burnt the eggs.

Guess they were having cereal.

Anxiety didn't complain. I fact he ate like it was the best thing he'd ever eaten. "I didn't know you liked this cereal so much. Guess I have to eat faster then." He teased.

Anxiety froze. He put his spoon down. "Oh. Did you...want the rest of mine?" Anxiety asked awkwardly. "I don't know how much you need to eat."

"Not that much." Roman said a bit off balance by the offer. Anxiety nodded but didn't eat anymore. "Guess you don't eat that much either?" 

Anxiety yawned, "Didn't know I needed to." He said.

What did he mean by that? "Uh...what?" 

Anxiety blinked, "Right Logan was confused about that too. So...um... I guess we need to eat, right?" 

"Of course we do?" Roman said confused at where this was going.

"Yeah so...I didn't... Know...that." Anxiety said slowly, clearly tired.

"That you had to eat?" Roman had to be misunderstanding this. Then Anxiety nodded. Roman jumped up slamming his hands on the table. "You haven't been eating?"

"Well..... Not before yesterday." Anxiety said.

"YOU HAVEN'T BEEN EATING AT ALL!" Roman yelled waking Anxiety up.

"Dude....fuck!" Anxiety said staring at him. "It's not that big a deal."

"Not that big a deal...." Roman repeated quietly. "Did you never get hungry enough or something?" 

"Well yeah I was hungry." Anxiety said. "But I didn't need to eat to survive so...." He trailed off at the expression on Roman's face.

"Why didn't you come get anything to eat?" Roman asked.

Anxiety muttered something that sounded a lot like, "I thought you'd be mad if I took anything."

Roman just stared at Anxiety his mind reeling. When Logan had told him to make sure that Anxiety got food first and foremost he just thought Logan thought he would forget. Not....this.

"Um...Roman?" 

Roman snapped out of it as Anxiety stared at him with a raised eyebrow. "Sorry I was just....lost in thought."

"So... Are we just staying in the kitchen or?" Anxiety asked.

As soon as they stepped into Roman's room Anxiety's eyes widened. "This is so cool." He muttered.

Roman looked at him. "You really think so?" He asked surprised.

Anxiety nodded. "You've really impressed me Princy."

Roman waited for the insult but it never came. He let himself smile before frowning as Anxiety.... Sat down on the floor in the corner avoiding every bit of furniture that Roman had. "You can sit on....nevermind you probably prefer the floor."

Anxiety smirked at that. "Caught on faster than the other two."

Roman informed Anxiety that he could use anything in the room before going to work. He looked over after an hour of work to find Anxiety nodding off curled up against the wall. His head would slowly fall forward before snapping back up wide eyes scanning the room before sliding shut again. 

Roman threw a blanket and a pillow at him knowing there was no way Anxiety was willing to sleep on the bed. He muttered a thanks, curled up further and fell asleep.

Roman smiled as he got back to work.


	5. Nightmares.

Virgil was sleeping when the drugs kicked in. He was being suffocated. He couldn't breath. 

"-ety. Anxiety!" Roman was shaking his shoulder.

Virgil gasped as he woke up shaking tears pouring down his face. He forgot that Roman was there. He never sleep around anyone for the sole reason that he tended to have nightmares. He slapped Roman's hand away. "B-back off!" He snapped.

Roman took a step back hands up in front of him. He knelt down a few feet away from him. Virgil did the only thing he could think of, he under the blanket. He wiped at the tears that wouldn't stop. Great, he looked weak in front of Roman. He was going tell the other two that he broke down crying at his nightmares like a-

"It's ok. No one is going to hurt you." Roman said gently. "You're safe."

Virgil slowly lowered the blanket glaring at his lap. He saw his makeup was smeared all over the red and gold pillow Roman had given him. "Sorry."

"It was clear you were having a nightmare." Roman said, "It makes sense you would be upset."

"Like you wouldn't be!" Virgil snapped looking up and finding Roman looking at him with sympathy. 

"Anxiety.... I know we aren't.... On good terms. But maybe if you opened up more then-" 

"Just give you more ammunition? I don't think so." Virgil growled at him. Roman looked at him with an odd expression. Then he stood and walked over to his bed. He grabbed something and threw it over to Virgil. It was a teddy bear.

"He keeps away the nightmares." 

Virgil's mouth was dry. He couldn't even think of insulting Roman for this. For finding something that helped, despite it seeming childish. "What's his name?"

Roman blinked in surprise and Virgil realized that he hadn't expected Virgil to be.... Not awful. He smirked, "It's sir something isn't it?" 

Roman blushed slightly. "Sir cuddles....it was Patton's suggestion." 

Virgil tossed the bear back. He stood and staggered a light. "Guess I still have THAT to deal with." He muttered.

"Sorry." Roman said.

Virgil glared at him, "I am NOT happy about this.....but I understand why you all FELT you HAD to do it."

\---

"How are you feeling?" Logan asked as Virgil sat down on the arm of the couch. Patton had woken up and was making supper, Roman was finishing up his work. 

Virgil shrugged. "It doesn't suck as bad as yesterday." He giggled and then slapped a hand over his mouth. He hated that.

Logan made a note before turning back to Virgil. "And your.... Suicidal thoughts?" 

Virgil scowled at him. He wanted to lie and say that was random bullshit that the drugs made him say. But....they were taking care of him now. Spending time with him.

Out of pity and guilt. He reminded himself.

Still better than nothing.

"I guess....I never really thought about it like that?" Virgil admitted. "That it was suicide." Logan waited for him to continue. So he did. "I thought that if....when i did it. That it would be for the best." He laughed, this time on purpose but it packed humour. "Guess you had the same idea."

Logan frowned , "We don't want to KILL you. We want to help you."

"By drugging me." Virgil shot back.

"Help you not have such an extreme reaction to certain stimulus." Logan said.

There was silence before Patton called them to the kitchen to eat. Virgil sat in the chair between patton and Logan and across from Roman. 

They were having box pizza. A first for Virgil... Of course everything was a first food wise. So he knew how to eat it, he had seen people eat pizza before but Roman and Logan were using forks. Patton just picked it up...

Which should he do?

"Is something wrong?" Patton asked. 

"Nah just... Not hungry." Which was true. He wasn't hungry like he use to be. In fact he was still kinda of fun from having eaten then not done much. 

Roman looked.... Disturbed while Logan insisted that he had a slice.

Reluctantly he picked it up and took a bite. It was....really good. He found that food didn't taste the same as when Thomas ate it. It was...more somehow. 

He only ate half a slice before stopping. Everyone was watching him. "What?"

"You look... Happy." Patton said.

Virgil relaxed. He looked at Roman... Maybe you should try opening up.

He took a breath. "Ok.... Ok ok ok..." He stood up. He took a deep breath then.... He messed up. "Virgil."

"What?" 

"My name.... It's... Virgil." He said. 

Patton squealed. Roman smiled at him. Logan did as well. "It's a good name."


	6. A step backwards.

Roman didn't laughing at Anx- Virgil's name. In fact he was strangely, proud that he opened up that much. That he was willing to trust them even after what they did.

"Yeah uh...so..." Virgil said drawing everyone's attention to him. He was sitting on the back of the couch away from them, sleeves pulled down over his hands.

"Yes?" 

"I... don't think I'm going to be able to sleep with anyone watching me so..." Virgil trailed off. 

Logan and Roman frowned. Logan due to not wanting Virgil unwatched and Roman because it seemed like nightmares were common for the other side.

"I...suppose we could try something else." Logan said slowly. "Perhaps you would be alright with someone coming by to check that you are alright every hour?" 

Virgil relaxed noticably and nodded. "Yeah that's... That works."

Logan turned, "Patton would you?"

"Of course!" He beamed looking between Logan and Virgil.

\---

Virgil was ready to sleep for a week. Patton bid him goodnight and almost hugged him before stopping. Ice settled in his stomach. Did...he do something? Or were the hugs last night out of pity and now that he was more stable they stopped?

He scowled. Right. He couldn't be too ok or everything goes back to how it was. Great. He closed his door a bit harder than needed.

He was still awake an hour later when Patton came by to check in on him. He gave a Curt nod before looking away from him. 

Patton blinked, surprised by the hostile feeling Virgil was giving off. When Logan told him that he wouldn't react well to being 'smothered' he doubted it. Now he wasn't sure if he should give Virgil a hug or leave.

Instead he decided to ask what was wrong.

"Nothing." Virgil said sharply. 

"Kiddo, you are upset." Patton said sitting down on the edge of the bed. Virgil shifted away from him up higher on the bed.

Don't overwhelm him.

"Can't sleep?" Patton asked.

Virgil opened his mouth to speak before changing his mind and waiting a minute before speaking. "I don't need your pity."

Patton didn't expect that. "What pity?" 

"Those damn hugs and the food and all of you being nice. You don't need to do it." Virgil snapped.

"We want to." 

Virgil scoffed. "You only do it because I was going to....you don't care about me. You're doing this out of pity and guilt." 

Patton wanted to hug him. He really really did. But he couldn't fix everything like that. "It's not that. We didn't notice how...badly we treated you."

Virgil looked off to the side. "Still want to get rid of me."

"I'll talk to Thomas and Logan about the pills." Virgil looked at him hopeful. "Maybe we can try a different type?" Virgil's face dropped.

"Right." He looked away. 'im tired. Please leave." He said sharply.

"Vir-"

"Leave!"

Patton sighed and left.

\---

They don't really care. Not really. Guilt and pity.

Virgil laid down and curled up under his blankets. He really wanted a hug.


	7. Early morning

Virgil woke up in a cold sweat and decided that after a few hours of restless sleep he was ready to be up.

He wondered if he should wait for Patton before leaving the room when he heard someone outside his room. He opened the door to find Logan on his way downstairs. 

"Oh. Good morning." Logan said. "Care to accompany me to the kitchen?" 

"It's a bit early for breakfast. " Virgil said stepping out of his room. 

"It is. I'm getting coffee." Logan explained. Virgil nodded and sat down on the counter next to the coffee maker. Logan didn't comment on it.

"How did you sleep?" He asked turning in the coffee maker before leaning back against the counter across from Virgil.

Virgil shrugged, "As well as normal."

"....about how many hours of sleep?" Logan asked.

Virgil paused thinking. "Ummm..... four? Maybe?" 

Logan nodded, "We'll have to see if we can get you to sleep better. It should improve your mood and mentality."

Virgil nodded. Get him better so they didn't have to mess with him anymore. Logan titled his head to the side slightly. "What are you thinking about?" 

"Nothing."

"You're anxious. You started biting your thumb." Logan pointed out. 

Virgil removed his hand from his face. "It's fine."

The smell of coffee filled the room and Logan and Virgil stared at each other.

"I know that you don't want to do this. But this is to help you as well as Thomas." Logan said gently.

"It doesn't feel like it." Virgil muttered. 

Logan hesitated before stepping close enough that he could put his hand on Virgil's knee. Virgil stared at him. "We do care about you."

Fuck. Virgil blinked as his eyes watered. He should not be getting this emotional damnit! 

"Right." Virgil looked over at the coffee maker. "Looks like the coffee is ready." He said changing the topic. Logan moved away and poured two cups of coffee. He handed one to Virgil.

"You'll be with me today." Logan informed him. 

"Great." Virgil said before taking a sip of coffee and then wincing at the bitterness. 

Virgil hopped off the counter and set his cup on the counter. Logan hesitated again before asking. "Would you like a hug?"

Virgil's mouth fell open. "I...you.... Um... Yes?" 

"Would you be alright with a hug from me or should I get Patton. I understand if he makes you more comfortable." Logan said. 

Virgil just pointed to Logan who moved slowly as he wrapped his arms around him. Virgil leaned into the hug for a second before pulling back only for Logan's hold to tighten. 

He held him for a full fifteen seconds before letting go. 

Virgil was stunned. "I...um... thanks."

Logan smiled at him, "You need only ask and anyone of us is willing to hug you." Logan chuckled a little. "Patton is a bit over willing."

"He is?" Virgil asked.

Logan nodded. "we don't want to overwhelm you by 'smothering' you."

Virgil wasn't sure if he wanted to laugh or cry at that. He felt like a rug had been pulled out from under him. 

"You...want to hug me?" Virgil asked.

Logan looked at him softly before hugging him again. Virgil may have cried a little, but Logan didn't mention it. 

He felt....safe.


	8. Connection.

They quickly fell into a pattern of spending time with a Virgil. One he was surprised he didn't mind. It was nice not being alone all the time. 

It's all going to be over once they find the right meds. He warned himself.

"What's up doctor doom." Roman asked as he heard Virgil sighed for the seventh time.

Virgil looked up at him, Roman would be honest with him right? "When are you guys going to stop all....this."

Roman took it as him needing to be watched. He smiled, "Don't worry. We won't have to do this much longer."

"Oh." 

"You seem to be getting better. So soon we'll be spending time when you want to." Roman said.

"When I want to?" Virgil asked.

"I expect you want some time to yourself. But know that my door is always open if you need anything or simply want my delightful company." Roman said.

"You really mean that?" Virgil asked.

"Well... Yes." Roman said slightly confused. "You aren't nearly as bad as I thought you were."

"Still the bad guy." Virgil reminded him.

Roman snorted. Virgil glared at him, "What?"

"You're hardly the 'bad guy'. You're more of an.... Anti-hero." Roman said.

Virgil smiled at that. 

\----

"Are you sure you want my help cooking?" He asked nervous. 

Patton smiled as he handed him an apron. "Of course! It doesn't need to be perfect."

"So you expect me to mess it up?" Virgil joked.

"There is a learning curve." Logan said from where he was reading at the table.

It went better than expected. He may have burnt a couple things but in the end it was edible. He smiled as Roman teased Logan about something and Patton watched occasionally making a comment. He was home. 

\---

It took a week for Virgil to get use to the meds enough that he didn't snap at anyone about it anymore. He was feeling better, less on edge, less nightmares. Eating and getting physical contact was also helpful.

He didn't want it to end. 

"I think we can safely no longer watch you as much." Logan said making Virgil's stomach sink. 

This was fine. He knew this was going to happen. It was just.... couldn't he have another week? One more day before things had to go back to before? 

Logan noticed his disappointment. "That being said none of us would stop you from -"

"It's fine." Virgil said. "I mean.... I get that this was a chore and-"

"Virgil breath." Logan told him firmly taking his hand. "We are not leaving. We are just giving you the option of spending time by yourself."

"Oh....ok." Virgil said. "Sorry I just-"

"You are worried that we don't want to spend time with you.something that will take time for you to believe." Logan said having a better grasp on the situation than Virgil thought.

"So...you wouldn't mind if I stuck around for a while longer?" Virgil asked.

"Not at all. In fact I have gotten quite use to your company and would miss it." Logan confessed.

Virgil nodded before sitting on the floor next to the desk.


	9. accidentally insulted.

Just because Roman and Virgil got along better didn't mean that they didn't still argue. Normally the argument just lacked the punch. Not today. 

"Well maybe you should lighten up!" Roman snapped.

"Yes because getting drunk is going to help!" Virgil snapped back upset that Roman was so mad over Thomas skipping a party.

"He wouldn't have gotten drunk. You're being paranoid!" Roman yelled and regretted it as soon as Virgil paled. "Virgil I didn't mean to-"

"I fucking knew it." Virgil muttered before storming out of the room. 

\--

Paranoid. Irrational. Useless. 

They were going to change the meds again. He wasn't what they wanted him to be yet. 

He curled up on his side in bed hugging a pillow. He thought that he was doing better. He wasn't as overbearing. Clearly he was wrong.

Or maybe he was just being paranoid. His brain whispered. Taking it too far. As always. 

He needed to lighten up. Go apologize to Roman before he talked Thomas in to changing the meds again.

He found Roman talking to Patton both of them clearly upset. He was going to leave, or rather run away but Patton saw him and called him over.

Virgil spoke before Roman could, "I'm sorry." He said stunning both Patton and Roman. "I won't do it again. I swear."

"No. I'm the one who should apologize." Roman said. "I was-"

"Right." Virgil said quickly. "I shouldn't have pushed so hard for Thomas to stay home."

"Are you feeling ok? You're looking a bit pale." Patton said.

Virgil tried for a smile but couldn't do it. This wasn't working. They were going to change the meds again. He didn't....he could handle more than what he was already on. 

He jumped as a hand settled on his shoulder. "It's alright. We've got it handled. You don't have to worry."

"I-im not." He lied poorly. Patton and Roman shared a look. 

"Virgil I was out of line. I should not have called you...that. because you aren't. I was mad and so I lashed out. This isn't your fault." Roman said. But it still needs to be fixed. Roman just found a problem they hadn't fix yet and now they were going too.

Unless Virgil could prove he was good enough. That they didn't need more meds.

\----

Virgil was quieter after that. Bordering on being mute. Speaking only when spoken too, helping the others with anything as often as possible. He was scaring them.

"I'm really worried about him." Patton said. "He's so jumpy and keeps flinching." Virgil froze at the top of the stairs as he heard that.

"He keeps just agreeing with me. Over anything!" Roman said.

"And this all started because you called him paranoid?" Logan asked.

Roman nodded, "He got mad and stormed off before he came back scared."

"Does he think we're going to hurt him?" Patton asked.

Logan thought for a minute. "We'll talk to Thomas about it. Perhaps he needs a med change." He said, making Virgil almost cry.

He ran to his room. He couldn't do this. He was NOT going out on their terms! 

He was going out on his.

\----

Thomas woke up to his alarm blaring and turned it off before just going back to bed.


	10. Anxiety's room

Virgil looked around as Thomas, Roman, Logan and Patton appeared in his room. He stayed hidden in the shadows. 

"Virgil you in here buddy?" Patton called his voice wavering. 

When he was met with silence Roman out ab arm around his shoulder.

"We'll get him back." Roman reassured Patton. 

Thomas looked out of it. Staring around at the dark room. 

"Are those....cobwebs??" Patton asked. "They weren't here before!" 

Logan hummed thoughtfully. "I suppose it could be a side effect of his... Ducking out." 

"Well how do we get him back?" Roman demanded.

Thomas seemed to snap out of his trance like state and looked around more aware. Virgil realized without meaning to that he had connected to Thomas again.

"Virge... Buddy. Come on out. Please?" Thomas asked.

No way was he going to come out. 

"At least he's still around." Logan said, noting Thomas's improved state.

"Virgil please come out! We can talk about this!" Patton said.

Virgil couldn't keep hiding. He was going to have to face them. So he stepped out of the shadows behind Thomas. 

"Virgil!" Patton said being the first to notice him.

"Hi." Virgil said.

"What where you thinking?" Roman yelled angry. 

Virgil looked away guilty. "Virgil?" Logan asked stepping closer.

"Look. I over heard you guys talking. I know you think this is a good thing but I don't want this!" Virgil said.

"Want... What?" Thomas asked.

"Drugs! I'm tired of getting drugged! I can't even think most of the time!" Virgil snapped.

Virgil was so close to breaking down crying. Thomas seemed to sense that.

"I...guess we can take a break." Thomas said.

"Really?" Virgil asked shocked.

"Really?" Roman and Logan said as well.

"If it's this upsetting to you something needs to change." Thomas said.

\----

Virgil was back on watch, this time it was even worse as the others were both upset with him for trying to duck out and relieved that he didn't succeed. 

"Don't you dare try that again!" Patton said hugged the life out of him. 

"We took it too far.... But don't do that again." Roman said.

Logan didn't say anything about it. He even went so far as to avoid Virgil for a couple days after the fact. 

Virgil was quiet. Worried that now he wasn't being drugged anymore that he had to be better than he had before so they didn't put him back on it.

Patton was the most upset by Virgil's silence behavior. He tried to get him to talk, or act like he use to but it was quickly becoming clear that he was too scared of being drugged again to do that. 

"We won't go back on the medicine." Logan said after watching Virgil open his mouth to speak before snapping it shut.

Virgil still didn't say anything.

"Clearly it wasn't as needed as we thought." Logan said.

Virgil looked at him. Still slightly afraid. It hurt to have him look like that and know that that fear was justified. That it was Logan's fault Virgil was so terrified. 

Without the drugs relaxing him, numbing him, he was constantly on edge. When did this 'break' end? Could he prevent them from doing it again? What did he have to do to do that? How long till they did it anyways?

He was back to having nightmares every night and woke up screaming at half of them. He paced the length of his room endlessly as the dark circles under his eyes got darker from the lack of sleep.

It was only a matter of time until he snapped.


	11. I'm sorry.

It really wasn't a big deal. Roman had been singing loudly. Virgil had a headache and he was too tired to think before he snapped, "Do you ever shut up?" 

He immediately tensed as Roman turned to look at him. He fucked up! "I'm sorry! I didn't mean!" He said quickly starting to shake. 

No no no. He'd been doing so well and now they were going to put him back on the drugs and it was going to be worse than last time! He couldn't do this!

"Virgil... Breath." Roman said gently holding Virgil's hands rubbing soothing circles on the backs of his hands with his thumbs.

Virgil looked at him, he could see Patton and Logan out of the corner of his eye. "I-I don't want it. Please I'll be better! I swear I won't mess up again!" 

Roman frowned. Virgil's stomach dropped. He didn't believe him. They were going to do it anyway.

"We aren't going to do anything." Logan promised.

"Just try and breath ok?" Patton said softly. This was the first time Virgil was speaking in nearly two weeks and it was worse than Patton feared.

Virgil took a shuddering breath. "Please don't..."

"We aren't going back on the medicine." Logan said. "You're alright." He said feeling sick at just how badly he had messed this up.

He didn't expect this to traumatize him so badly. For him to hurt him so much. 

Roman was crying, "Please. We never meant to hurt you. We won't do it again." He swore.

Virgil didn't seem to be listening too scared. He just kept apologizing and promising to be better, be quieter. 

\---

Virgil took nearly two hours to calm down enough to talk. "We are not mad." Logan said.

Virgil looked like he didn't believe him. "I shouldn't have yelled. I didn't mean to. I...I'm just tired." 

"You haven't been sleeping well we know. It's ok to be a little grumpy." Patton said.

"It really is alright." Roman said hoping that Virgil would listen to them. 

Virgil took a deep breath. "Ok."

"You don't have to be quiet." Logan said, wanting to address the rather disturbing mindset that Virgil had gotten himself stuck in. "You do not have to be scared of us drugging you again. It was a mistake that we won't make again."

Virgil wasn't sure if he could believe them but he nodded. 

\---

Virgil started talking again, slowly. Started letting a little bit more snark in his tone. Let himself do things without waiting for someone else to look away first. He didn't flinch when he got a hug anymore.

"I'm sorry." Logan said. "I thought I was helping you and Thomas and your disagreeing was merely Anxiety over the fact there was a change. I can see now that I never should have supported such a solution."

"You still think I'm a problem." Virgil said. The idea hurt.

"No. I think... None of us really understood how much we needed you untill we messed up." Logan admitted.

Virgil thought about it. "You tried to help. You fucked up. But you tried to help so.... I guess I'm not going to hold it against you." 

Logan relaxed. "Thanks you. I'm not sure I deserve that." 

Virgil smiled and patted Logan on the shoulder. "Just don't do it again and we'll be fine."


	12. What is this feeling?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Have a snippet of plot.

It started with Patton. Virgil got a morning hug as normal but when Patton pulled back and smiled at him he just...

Patton gasped. "You're eyeshadow turned purple! I didn't know you could do that!" 

Virgil blushed. "Y-yeah...um...I need to go...finish...something." he said before moving quickly from the room. 

He tried to avoid Patton after that at least until the feeling faded. He ended up spending more time with Logan.

So it happened again. Logan was talking out loud about his thought process. Something he did for Virgil's benefit when he was hanging out in Logan's room. He was looking at him, content to just listen to Logan talk when Logan paused.

"Is something wrong?" Virgil asked.

"Your eyeshadow changed color..." Logan stated.

Virgil ran from the room, with a weak excuse of unfinished work.

Then was Roman. As Virgil hid from Logan and Patton he was sure that he wouldn't catch feelings for Roman too. 

Then Roman pulled up off the floor and made him dance with him. And Virgil snarked at him, Roman laughed and...

"The purple suits you." Roman commented.

Virgil tore himself out of Roman's grip and bolted from the room.

He locked his door, shaking. How did this happen? 

What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he just let things stay like there were? Why did he have to catch feelings???

He groaned. 

\----

Running from Roman's room caused him to become worried. So he went to talk to the others.

They all three ended up outside Virgil's door. 

"Can we come in?" Patton asked. "We need to talk."


	13. A not so terrible confession.

"Pat you can't say it like that. You're gonna freak him out." Roman said.

"What?"patton said. "Oh. Oh no! I'm sorry. It's not bad or anything. I promise." Patton said quickly. 

Virgil released the breath he had been holding. He stood and opened the door. "What's going on?"

"You keep avoiding us and we were wondering why?" Logan asked bluntly.

"I'm..I'm not." Virgil protested weakly. Judging from their looks they didn't believe him. "Ok fine I have been."

"Why? Did we do something?" Patton asked.

"N-no.. it's my problem." Virgil said.

"Does this have anything to do with your eyeshadow?" Roman asked.

Virgil groaned. He wasn't going to be able to avoid this was he? "Kinda? How about we move to the living room for this."

Viegil remained standing, pacing as the others say down. "Ok...so I'm....I may..... Ihaveacrushonyou!" 

It took a second for them to figured what he said. 

"Um....who?" Patton asked.

Virgil avoid looking at them. "All...of you." He said slowly.

They looked at each other. As the silence grew Virgil felt his heart slowly being crushed. They didn't see him the same way. Before he cihls really start to panic, Logan spoke up.

"Well ..that is while unexpected, not unwelcome." He said clearly. 

"What do you want to do?" Roman asked.

Virgil blinked. "I...I don't know. I was hoping it would just go away." He admitted.

Patton nodded, though they all looked disappointed. "If you think that's for the best."

Virgil was conflicted... Did they really want him to like them? "I mean...unless you...ugh. nevermind. I can't say it."

"Unless we what?" Roman asked.

"I mean you guys couldn't like me back." Virgil's voice dropped to a whisper at the end. 

"Well sure we like you." Patton said.

"But not romantically!"

Roman shifted awkwardly at that. "Well don't be too quick to decided that."

"What?" Virgil asked..


End file.
